Okay so I’ve been at this teller job for about two months now. Every time I don’t balance, my mind goes in a complete frenzy, and I practically break down. Why should this be such a big deal? I just hate messing up and not being able to correct it. I’ve been off twice by fairly considerable amounts and haven’t been able to find the mistakes to correct them. Today I was off by one stupid little penny. Of course several options came across my mind to “fix” the problem; however, none would be the honorable and honest thing to do.
When people ask me how my job is I say it’s good, but really what am I supposed to say? It definitely could be worse. I enjoy the job when there are people to help, but I really am frustrated when things don’t go as they should. I feel awful when all I can say is sorry. Like earlier this week, I came to work late because I misremembered my schedule. How embarrassing!
I’m not trying to prove anything. I’m just trying to be a good teller, and at this point in time I feel like I’m failing. Sometimes I feel like I just want to walk away from the job and get another, but how honorable is that? I suppose I should just suck it up and deal with it. I wish I could just pay for my mistakes in balancing. Unfortunately, I can’t just stick one of my pennies in the drawer. I really feel bad when I don’t balance because that affects supervisors and members. I’m dealing with their money, so I had better manage it carefully. Also, I suppose I fear that when I don’t balance I’m going to be fired. I know that being fired isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me, but it certainly doesn’t help my reputation or future job searches.
I think the main reason I feel so awful when I don’t balance is because it makes me think about the rest of my future. I think to myself what the heck am I doing with my life? Why can’t I have things worked out already? Okay, that clearly shows how impatient I am. I’ll leave it at this. I do not want to be a teller my whole life. This right now is a means to an end, generally a good one, but also one that makes me want to break down in tears when I mess up.
It was suggested to me that all these times I have been off balance are a test for when I am in Costa Rica and things don’t go as planned. I get that and all, but why does it have to involve my job? Well for now I will persist and will try to stick to the theory that everything happens for a reason.